


(Non) Attachment

by spj



Series: Trick or Treat! [10]
Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 18:27:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12776835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spj/pseuds/spj
Summary: Gojyo stops Hakkai's spiral of self-destruction before it gets out of hand - with hot chocolate.





	(Non) Attachment

**Author's Note:**

> Halloween Advent  
> Prompt 10: Hot Chocolate
> 
> hi fini <3

It was the non-attachment philosophy that Hakkai had the most difficulty with.

How could one possibly remain unattached to things, to people? Hakkai found he couldn’t imagine it. His entire _existence_ was predicated on leeching off others – first his sister, then Sanzo, and now Gojyo. He was a parasite.

“No, you’re not,” Gojyo disagreed. He plucked a dish from Hakkai’s hand and began to dry it. “You’re not a parasite.”

“I am,” Hakkai said. He picked up another dish and began to wash it. “Gojyo, I’ve never been alone.”

“You looked pretty alone when I found you.”

“I was not.” Hakkai’s answer was so fierce, Gojyo stopped drying to look at him. Hakkai looked away and kept washing. “I was not,” Hakkai said again. “I was with her. I was with her killers. I was going to die with them. You – you – ”

“I took you from them,” said Gojyo.

Hakkai didn’t deny it.

“I’m not going to apologize,” Gojyo said wearily. “I’ll take responsibility, but I’m not gonna say sorry.”

Hakkai looked at Gojyo, and Gojyo knew he meant, _I know_.

Gojyo stopped drying the dishes. “C’mon,” he said.

Hakkai followed without question.

This was their routine, now, when Hakkai or Gojyo got like this, stuck in a past they couldn’t change, unable to move forward. They were both better now, of course, but better didn’t mean _cured_ – this was their terminal illness. They would either die with it or die from it, whichever came first.

Gojyo sat Hakkai down on the couch in their living room. He went to their bedroom, gathered up their blankets in his arms, and returned to the living room. Hakkai hadn’t moved an inch, because he was familiar with how this would go.

Gojyo wrapped Hakkai up in blankets so he wouldn’t be able to move unless he tore them apart. “Marshmallows this time, or no?” he said.

“None, please,” Hakkai said.

Gojyo nodded and moved to the kitchen. From under the sink, he produced packets of chocolate, reserved only for times of crisis. The marshmallow bag looked a little sad and droopy, and he took a moment to pencil in _new marshmallows_ onto their grocery list.

Then, Gojyo set about boiling some milk, dumping the chocolate in, stirring until it became the right consistency (and stealing a few bites for himself all the while), before pouring it into two mugs that they only really used for these sorts of occasions – a pig with a rake on Hakkai’s, and a fish with a _chánzhàng_ on its back on Gojyo’s.

He brought the cups back over to Hakkai, who hadn’t moved at all. It wasn’t necessarily a bad sign, but Hakkai often broke without a single warning. The lack of warning was a warning in and of itself.  

Gojyo extracted Hakkai’s hands from the blankets before handing Hakkai’s mug to him.

“Drink,” he ordered, and Hakkai did.

Together they sat in companionable silence, vapor from their mugs rising and curling in front of their faces.

After a while, Gojyo saw Hakkai’s breathing slow and deepen, his pupils constrict slightly, his muscles relax. Gojyo felt safe enough to speak again:

“So,” he said.

Hakkai couldn’t meet Gojyo’s eyes, but he smiled with a strong bite of self-deprecation. “So,” he agreed.

Gojyo had to think for a few more seconds before he could decide how he wanted to ask his next question. “How are you?” he said, because he knew Hakkai wasn’t okay.

Hakkai had to think about it too. “Better,” he decided.

Gojyo nodded. “I’m glad. You wanna talk about it?”

“No,” Hakkai said, as he had said for the last ten, twenty times.  

Gojyo nodded again; he had expected that response. One day, he’d nudge Hakkai from his safe space, push him past what he thought he could handle and show him how strong he really was, but it wasn’t time yet. Instead, he held his hand out to Hakkai. “C’mon,” he said. “Let’s go to bed.”

Hakkai put his hand in Gojyo’s and smiled. “Okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> flaff flaff floof  
> self care!  
> i hope you guys like <3


End file.
